My First Blog

I like this. With a blog you don't have to worry about agents or publishers or writing a synopsis. You just write. Yay.

I have always been a better writer than speaker. I used to give my mother notes when I was upset because it was the only way I could tell her the way I really felt, and of course the writing that I used was so flowery and disgustingly emotional that she found it amusing--kept the notes--and put them in her dresser to keep forever. One day I found them and was incredibly embarrassed. I think I destroyed a few, which I feel really bad about now that I'm a mom, but at the time I was protecting myself. Being the youngest child, I grew up having to hide and conceal or be teased mercilessly. Those notes were like ammo for my siblings, and I did not need that kind of disadvantage.

Need I tell you about the time I was fell asleep crying over some stupid thing, only to wake up with the sound of my cries being played out in the back yard--neighborhood kids gathered around in giggling crowds? My sister had taped my tantrum and invited everyone under seventy pounds to listen, free of charge. I raced down the stairs, fire burning inside me, and threw open the back door. The first person I saw was our neighbor, Steven Martino, poor kid. I locked my eyes on his innocent stare and yelled out, "F*ck You, Steven Martino!" Yes, I did.

He looked around at all the kids--who had fallen silent--and then back at me, with his mouth open in shock. By then my mother had appeared and pulled me back into the house. All my anger was replaced by shame in mere seconds. Being a redhead, I think she sympathized and didn't utter a word in repentance, just led me away from the scene and into the kitchen, one of my favorite places to be. I could hear the kids still outside, laughing and replaying the shocking scene. Steven had already run home to tell his mother.

What I mean to tell you by all this is, I am not a speaker. What you hear me say is always the stuttering version of a million words that I cannot seem to let go of. But writing is emotional and out there. I love it for that, but I fear it for that. And please, don't take anything I write or say and show it to a crowd of kids because I just might go postal on ya'll.