Showing posts from September, 2013

The Guillotine Man

It was Halloween nineteen seventy-something, and all the students inside a small Kansas elementary school crowded into the gymnasium with its high upper windows condensed in sweat. Kindergartners gathered in the front, first graders behind, second and third filled up the middle, and fourth stood all the way in the back. Teachers lined up against the bleachers, coffee mugs clutched perilously in their ink stained fingers. I had been corraled in the mid-to-front section so that put me somewhere around second grade. The costume I wore was a Tweety Bird smock that tied behind my neck, and a very uncomfortable plastic mask that squished the nose on my face. It was itchy and suffocating and it didn't even look like Tweety—not with its big cutout eyes and lopsided mouth that I kept sticking my tongue through.

We'd been waiting all day for the Halloween parade and show. Some kids had their mothers come in to help apply makeup in the crowded bathroom with tiny toilets and low mirrors. …

The Sound of Anti-Silence

Yesterday Liam had ear tubes put in and his adenoids taken out. I fought it having to be done for years, but last year the little guy had ear infection after ear infection and allergies up the yahoo, so there really wasn't any choice. The funny thing was that in the summer he was amazingly healthy. I absolutely dreaded the start of school knowing it meant him catching someone's cold and then an ear infection and then the school nurse leaving me a note that his hearing is off and can I please get him checked again? A few weeks ago I spent $100 on his allergies with an extensive plan from the doctor to keep away any ear problems in the most non-invasive way possible. But no-go, I got the dreaded letter again from school: Liam needs his ears checked. CODE: Liam needs ear tubes. Sometimes you just have to accept that what you want, and what you fear, are standing in the way of progress. Not just yours, but other people's.

I didn't sleep at all the night before surgery. It&…

Homework Shmomework

Sitting here thinking about my child's math homework, most notably the note a teacher wrote asking I make sure my kid does the backside of her math sheets nightly. Yeah. So, when did it become my job to make my kid do her homework? My mother never helped me with mine. I either did it, or I didn't. Mom had a million TV shows to watch which she'd circled on the free weekly TV guide in our local newspaper. She had every night planned out from Masterpiece Theater to Love Boat. I knew that. Don't f#ck with Mom's shows. Real simple.

Okay, so I actually do help my kids with their homework every night. But I don't feel like I have to. I just want to. I want them to do well. It makes me happy to see them getting good grades. Learning is awesome, but it's hard and a little help can go a long way. But never, ever have I entertained the thought that it's my actual job to make them do their work. Hell, I'm already a cup and saucer behind on the dishes, and a Fru…

Gravity and FaceTime

Last night I was sitting with the kids while they played Minecraft on the laptop. At least I thought they were playing Minecraft. When I looked down I saw they had Facetime open and there was this really old lady with saggy face and sunken eyes in the viewer. Poor lady, I thought. She looks so tired. Then I was like, HOLY SHIT that's me!!!! I shut that program down in lightning speed. Now all day I've been pondering expensive face creams, Avon and Mary Kay and anything I can get my hands on.

But then I read this and laughed until I cried.

And then read this. It's all making me feel so much better.

However, I will NEVER do a face chat with anyone for any reason. Don't even ask me. Well, I might for a million dollars or some enormous amount like that, but otherwise, no.

Btw, the same thing happened with my driver's license photo last spring. Got that puppy in the mail and  realized I could never buy liquor or go to any bars again.

So, tell me, have you ever been thro…

A really serious post about stuff (not really)

I always dread the end of summer because the children go back to school. There's just something so tragic about the whole deal. One day we're happy and free, wading in butterfly laced grass, and the next they're gone and the house is stone quiet. I cried quietly to myself at the end of July, journaled and prepared for the coming of school. When it did arrive, I faced it with the outlook that you can't change time, but at least you have the Polaroid. The kids started school and I was alone in a house with no Minecraft or Spongebob. And you know what? I FREAKING LOVED IT! This is the best thing EVER. I earned this. Yes, I do miss the kids and wish we could go to the park and all that lovely stuff, but otherwise I'm having the time of my life. I listen to music all day, eat whenever and whatever I want, no one talks back, whines or messes up the house. THIS IS AWESOME.

Ahem, but I do love those little offspring of mine. But I guess it's true what they say: absence…