The Story of Thanksgiving

Many, many years ago, long before Blogger, there were some dudes and dudettes called Pilgrims. They didn't like the way England kept shoving religion down their throats, so they fled to Holland. But they were all dirty little heathens over there, so the Pilgrims went back home for a sec. Hmmm, maybe we can borrow some moola and head over to that place BoBo found . . . Yeah, America. But won't that be a long trip? Aren't there savages over there? Geez, I don't know. Just put another nail in the Santa Maria fool.

They sail.

The pilgrims happily dock at Plymouth Rock on December11,1620. But their first winter is a real bummer and lots of people bite the dust. Luckily they have a good harvest in 1621 and there is much to be thankful for. The Pilgrims decide to have a feast! A decision is made to invite the natives, because they did, after all, help with the harvest and all that. The party lasts three days! Wild ducks and geese, venison, and, wait, where's the turkey? They called all wild fowl turkey back then. Oh, okay. At least they had pumpkin pie, right? No. Sorry. That wasn't available back then, either. What? Yeah, there was no flour. No eggs, no flour, no butter. Nothing. They had just harvested so none of that stuff was available yet. Pause. That sucks. So what did they eat for dessert then? Boiled pumpkin. And berries, dried fruit . . . plums? Wait, where are you going? To Target. But this is the real Thanksgiving Marty. Not some made-up, stupid, 1950's version. This is reality. Grit. Real men stuff. I bet they made whoopee in the forest back then. They didn't even need beds. And they smoked real cigarettes without filters. Killed bears. Ate beef jerky by an open fire. I bet they cussed and pillaged and ran around with no underwear. All right, all right, you're getting a little crazy. Let's just get back to Thanksgiving, which, by the way, is gonna be happening in a couple of hours. I'd better get the "Wild Fowl" in the oven. I'll go do that while you finish the story.

Ahem. Thanksgiving was not celebrated the following years. In fact it wasn't until 1676 that a Day of Thanksgiving was finally set in place. I'm not sure when the whole turkey and pumpkin pie thing started either. Uh . . . crap. Hold on while I Google . . . .