I've made a very tough decision, but it's been brewing for awhile. I've decided to stop performing musically--at this time. Later on I might do it, but currently it brings too much grief to be worth my time. I am fairly good at writing, and I do enjoy it tremendously--it brings a lot of peace. I enjoy music tremendously as well. But I can't do both. This whole year has been me trying to do both and failing. At the root of the problem is my body dysmorphic disorder--seeing myself as ugly. I don't think I'm ugly when I look at myself in the mirror at home. I love myself and think I look fine. But when I go out, and especially when I have to perform, it's awful. I feel hideous. Then somebody takes a pic of me and I just die inside. I've tried so very hard to get over this problem, but it's still there. When I write, I feel beautiful. It's just me and the words and the amy that is the amy I love, not the monster amy that is ugly beyond words and stupid and a failure. So you can see why I'd make this choice. I have a talent for music, but it's destroying me, literally. Trying to pursue it this past year has really messed with my writing: the blog, keeping up with other writers, promotion, etc. That takes a lot of work.
So, it's sad, but I choose the path that will ultimately (and presently) bring me a happier life. I also need stay focused on Julia and Liam--so it's their happiness as well.
But I did have a dream last night where I announced that I'd stop performing and a lady began to cry. Now I know in real life that ain't gonna to happen. At least in my dreams someone will remember Amy, the songwriter. It's been such a hard struggle. Maybe if I'd had that nose job a few years back, haha.
Now, on with writing.