I've made a very tough decision, but it's been brewing for awhile. I've decided to stop performing musically--at this time. Later on I might do it, but currently it brings too much grief to be worth my time. I am fairly good at writing, and I do enjoy it tremendously--it brings a lot of peace. I enjoy music tremendously as well. But I can't do both. This whole year has been me trying to do both and failing. At the root of the problem is my body dysmorphic disorder--seeing myself as ugly. I don't think I'm ugly when I look at myself in the mirror at home. I love myself and think I look fine. But when I go out, and especially when I have to perform, it's awful. I feel hideous. Then somebody takes a pic of me and I just die inside. I've tried so very hard to get over this problem, but it's still there. When I write, I feel beautiful. It's just me and the words and the amy that is the amy I love, not the monster amy that is ugly beyond words and stupid and a failure. So you can see why I'd make this choice. I have a talent for music, but it's destroying me, literally. Trying to pursue it this past year has really messed with my writing: the blog, keeping up with other writers, promotion, etc. That takes a lot of work.
So, it's sad, but I choose the path that will ultimately (and presently) bring me a happier life. I also need stay focused on Julia and Liam--so it's their happiness as well.
But I did have a dream last night where I announced that I'd stop performing and a lady began to cry. Now I know in real life that ain't gonna to happen. At least in my dreams someone will remember Amy, the songwriter. It's been such a hard struggle. Maybe if I'd had that nose job a few years back, haha.
Now, on with writing.
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Took my daughter to an ortho today. Perhaps you know the pain . . . money, money, money falling out of you like water. She has a lovely smil...
Amy you have a lovely voice and decisions are hard to make. Sometimes when one door has to close, there's another just waiting to open - and I think yours is, like you say - in your writing.
ReplyDeleteYou must have a different mirror to us - when we look at your picture, we see a deep, beautiful, talented person. Forget the 'nose' job - you're lovely just as you are xx
I can't argue with choosing one method of expression over another...it must be hard to give everything you've got to both...I do disagree with your perception of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you Molly and Delores. I'm sorry to be so harsh with my words about myself. It's been a tough decision, and like I said, maybe later on down the line. Right now I just don't have the ability. I've always said that I can draw and write and sing, but the one thing God didn't give me was confidence. I lack it in the most extreme way. Thank you for being here.
ReplyDeletesweet, sweet girl...no matter how you communicate, you will be heard. You will touch our hearts, with words, with music; it really is all the same. You are a jewel.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jacqueline. I love the way you said "no matter how you communicate, you will be heard." That's a nice way to look at it. Thank you for that!
DeleteLife is about choices and sometimes they aren't easy to make. You've made a hard one.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes with your writing. I look forward to seeing the samples that you share with us.
Thanks for being here Mohamed xx
DeleteAmy Amy Amy. You are an extremely attractive woman, in all respects.... You know this!
ReplyDeleteGiving up performing doesn't mean you have to give up song WRITING. I think most of us try to be 'Jacks of all trades', but there's nothing worse than being 'Master of none'. I'm sure you're right in your decision; writing is your STRONG point.... go for it 100%.
Thanks Cro. Thanks for being a friend and sharing your wisdom xx
DeleteOh Amy, when I drive in my car and your CD comes on, I think of this beautiful ,talented lady that I have come to know and care about. Nobody can tell you about you self worth, only you can do that. There are demons in your background, as there are in many of us, but you must find peace with it and move past it all. We are all victims in many ways, but we are also survivors too. Move forward Amy, move forward. The past is done, great things can lay ahead. Go for it. The strength is in you, I see it, why don't you.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep trying. It ain't easy, but I will keep trying. Thank youxx
DeleteI love what Cro said. Listen to him, he is very wise and sees beyond the surface.
ReplyDeleteWe have follow our gut instinct and pursue what brings us the most happiness, whatever that is. The happier we are the more we can give out.
ReplyDeleteYou're very creative, you have a lot of talent in many things. Why not focus on your writing for a bit? Nothing to regret there. Another string to your bow.
Anyway you have left a wake of some great songs (some of which I have here).
Time to move on and spread a bit more joy with your writing.
Best of luck.x
Thanks you Chris. It does seem like this is more of a reflective time--perhaps that's what I'm fighting against more than anything. xx
DeleteIt is heartbreaking to read this post. I didn't get to hear you sing, but I imagine it is an important part of you. What I do know is that my eyes are not deceiving me, and you are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mirka. I appreciate that. xx
DeleteI've never met you but the photos I've seen of you show you are obviously attractive. And your voice is wonderful. It's really sad if you're giving up for reasons that are entirely inside your head.
ReplyDelete