The best candy bar

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Truer words have never been spoken. I'm usually not the--nut in my candy bar--kind of person; the same can be applied to my cookie. Let's just say I am a purest when it comes to confectionary delights.

I do like nougat. Yes I do. Milky Way and Three Muskateers hit the spot pretty well, though I've heard complaints that the fluffy nougat gives other folks some head-aches, to which I reply, "Whaeffa." That's me talking with a mouth full of fluff.

I do not like dark chocolate, or mocha. There's just something about that kind of bitter in my sweets that makes me want to get sick. If I want bitter, I'll go grab a hot cup of coffee, not eat it for a snack.

The real issue is those thin, insubstantial candy bars that they sell for the same price as the larger ones. You know, Kit Kats and Twix bars. How we've gone by without a serious revolt I just don't understand. When you're a kid rushing to the Quickie Mart with only a dollar allowance in your hand, you need to know that your candy bar is going to deliver the goods. A candy bar should take more than five minutes to consume, and fill you up until at least an hour before dinner. What if something bad happens and it's your last day on earth? You don't want your final legacy to be a measly chick-0-sticks! Right?

No, you have to take it easy. Think hard. Caramel takes a long time to devour, and so should be the first requirement of any candy bar purchase. Then think width and thickness of chocolate. Mounds has coconut. Coconut takes forever to chew and un-wedge from in between the spaces of your teeth. Peanut butter also takes a while to consume. And so, I say, the true candy bar connoisseur should look for something thick, with caramel, peanut butter, and lots of coconut. Add a crispy cookie base and we've got a winner.

Oh Damn, I just remembered Crunch Bars.


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