How Many Resolutions Am I Going To Break This Year?

Let's start with the worst: keeping my house clean. I know that one is going to be broken, because I have never been good at maintaining an immaculate living space. I put the effort in every day, believe me. But now there are kids running around, a dachshund tearing up wrapping paper that I thought was in the trash already, a fluffy cat that sheds, and at the moment, snow being tracked in and mixing with pine needles being spewed all over the living room by a dying Christmas tree. Here's what I'm going to do--it's genius really--I'm going to clean the house and take a picture of each room, so that when people come over I can show them the picture and say, "This is what it looks like . . . underneath. Yeah, it's a pretty room, I know. I miss it sometimes."

Get a maid, you say? Oh no, I'm the only one cleaning this mess. No one ever pays me to do it, why would I give money to somebody to clean my house with no kids bugging them the whole time? I'm the only one who gets to vacuum with a three-year-old hanging on the handle like it's an amusement ride. This is my challenge; my own personal Survivor show. Who's going to end up winning? Me or two people that can't even pour their own OJ? Me, it's gotta be me.

My next resolution is that of exercise and health food. Ah, I'm too tired to even write that one down. Consider it broken already.

Expanding my vocabulary. That's a good one. I need to work on learning new words that express what I want to say beyond the regular crappy words I'm already using. I gotta work on that, I really does.

How about not watching so much TV? I've actually gotten pretty good with abstaining since all the shows are on repeat for Winter Break. That, and the fact that this digital TV conversion makes every other sentence sound like Max Headroom. "Today, Shiites--op--aarf--letttt--bombed a--fwip-tat--it's snowing in Kansas City."

I am sure there are many things for me to ruin in the the new-coming year. I've always wanted to be a great dancer, have my book published, make a hit record, win a million bucks. It's fun to try. I'm . . . trying . . . really . . . hard.

Happy New Year and pass the merlot.