Dreaming

I used to have this dream where I was sitting up on a roof, looking over the land (or neighborhood) with the sun on my skin. I don't know what that signified, but every time I had the dream, I'd wake up feeling as if I were trapped in my real life. I longed to be the person who could just let go and languish everything around them. So, I'd think hard each time about what was currently wrong and what I needed to fix. Sometimes it was just growing out my hair, to escape the visual expectations of society. At eighteen, I rebelled by dying my long hair black and wearing all black for a year. I was goth before goth was even cool. I came to think perhaps it was stupid to do such things so I went the other way and didn't dress up at all, I became a blender and looked like a mousy librarian type. It was my secret rebellion.

As musician, I could concentrate my feelings into a song and that was a nice healing sort of thing to do. I'm one of those people who need to be free, I'm not mean or crass, just a free-sprirt. Yet I've very often boxed myself into what others wanted, their needs, their ideals of what I should be. Very often I have given and given and then looked around and thought, "This isn't me. How did I get here?" The answer was that whatever I become is a result of my own work, and a lesson to be learned.

One dream I had was of climbing up a mountain with two guides. We stopped at a little cafe (on the side of the mountain?) where I asked for a drink, and while waiting I grew anxious that my guides were going to leave without me. A guy at a piano kept singing, "Yesterday" by The Beatles over and over. I woke up and realized how reflective it was of my current life (at that time), of always almost getting there, but failing halfway through. Very depressing.

I haven't had very many dreams lately. Must be from lack of sleep, or perhaps it's because when I write I purge all that I'm feeling inside. My characters, while not me, live out my fears and hopes, my desires. It's fun to take some small thought of my own and transform it into a whole storyline. That's intense!

So, I rebell through my writing now. I purge and I escape. I write my dreams.