I got to thinkin' about that Spam last night, thanks to Cro's lovely account of their business practices. It made me wonder . . . just what does the word "Spam" mean, exactly? Without wishing to really know, I thought I'd make up a few guesses of my own.
1. Spackle Ham- Admit it, Spam would make a great spackling paste; it has the right color and consistency, and the smell would go away eventually.
2. Spines and Spigots Ham- Yeah, let's not talk about it.
3. Sponge Ham- I bet if you dry this stuff out it would make a great bath sponge. What do you think? I've finally outwitted Martha Stewart!
4. Spank Ham- Instead of threatening your kids with physical violence, you could just threaten them with a Spam dinner. One sight of that lovely tin can and they will transform into little angels.
5. Space Ham- It looks like it came from outer space, it tastes like it came from outer space . . .
6. Spa Ham- the least likely, I know, but if mashed up and applied to the skin, it could make a fabulous facial cream. Didn't Eskimos use to use whale fat for chap stick? See?? Tell your Avon representative to order you up a big old tin of Spam right now!
7. Special Ham- All the pigs in the farmyard know that only special porkers get into a tin of Spam. It's a lifelong dream and we Americans are glad to be a part such a big pig aspiration.
8. Speed Ham- Race car drivers know this stuff makes a great lubricant on their pistons. Ah hell, you all know I haven't a clue what I'm talkin' about. Why do you even come here?!
9. Speleological Ham- I'm really reachin', but maybe, just maybe fifty years or so ago, some cave explorer came across a big cave pig and after a huge struggle (like ten hours) he finally killed the bastard and had a fine feast and he, because he loved himself so much for being such a fine, smart and sexy dude, decided to name the pig species after himself: Stan Paul Jim Ham= Spam (the J is silent). They couldn't put his face on the tin because he died shortly after his discovery—something about a rare cave disease and too much love makin' with cave whores. Poor guy. Jim darlin', this here Spam is for you. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm.