I got to thinkin' about that Spam last night, thanks to Cro's lovely account of their business practices. It made me wonder . . . just what does the word "Spam" mean, exactly? Without wishing to really know, I thought I'd make up a few guesses of my own.
1. Spackle Ham- Admit it, Spam would make a great spackling paste; it has the right color and consistency, and the smell would go away eventually.
2. Spines and Spigots Ham- Yeah, let's not talk about it.
3. Sponge Ham- I bet if you dry this stuff out it would make a great bath sponge. What do you think? I've finally outwitted Martha Stewart!
4. Spank Ham- Instead of threatening your kids with physical violence, you could just threaten them with a Spam dinner. One sight of that lovely tin can and they will transform into little angels.
5. Space Ham- It looks like it came from outer space, it tastes like it came from outer space . . .
6. Spa Ham- the least likely, I know, but if mashed up and applied to the skin, it could make a fabulous facial cream. Didn't Eskimos use to use whale fat for chap stick? See?? Tell your Avon representative to order you up a big old tin of Spam right now!
7. Special Ham- All the pigs in the farmyard know that only special porkers get into a tin of Spam. It's a lifelong dream and we Americans are glad to be a part such a big pig aspiration.
8. Speed Ham- Race car drivers know this stuff makes a great lubricant on their pistons. Ah hell, you all know I haven't a clue what I'm talkin' about. Why do you even come here?!
9. Speleological Ham- I'm really reachin', but maybe, just maybe fifty years or so ago, some cave explorer came across a big cave pig and after a huge struggle (like ten hours) he finally killed the bastard and had a fine feast and he, because he loved himself so much for being such a fine, smart and sexy dude, decided to name the pig species after himself: Stan Paul Jim Ham= Spam (the J is silent). They couldn't put his face on the tin because he died shortly after his discovery—something about a rare cave disease and too much love makin' with cave whores. Poor guy. Jim darlin', this here Spam is for you. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm.
You really *have* been thinking about spam! :)
ReplyDeleteEasy - A guy called William Aldridge murdered his wife, then tinned her. She was called Pam. 'was pam'.
ReplyDeleteAh spam! The weird thing is that this gross and disgusting food product costs a lot to buy. When I was a kid it was a poor man's food. Now it is something else. But I don't know what! Still, I remember my mom frying it in a pan with eggs, and it is pretty good like that only tastes really fatty. It is weird weird stuff.
ReplyDeleteFried Spam with cinnamon. It's wonderful. Really! Okay. It's wonderful and weird.
ReplyDeletePS They have low sodium now, too.
LOL
ReplyDeleteYou guys crack me up! Well, despite all the Spam love going around today, I was turned off the wonder product in my childhood. See, Mom decided to take us kids on a trip through the Ozarks, and she served Spam at every stop. Maybe it was motion sickness, I don't know, but a few days of Spam can make any person on this earth want to rip out their intestines and sell them to Aliens. Topping it all off, Mom mixed a packet of grape Kool-aid with mineral spring water and left the container in a hot trunk. Yummy. To this day, I blame Mom, Spam, grape Kool-aid and the Ozarks for my life's misfortune. But I would take a free t-shirt from all of these if offered.
ReplyDeleteSpam fritters.... These two words sit somewhere in the section of my mind marked 'Do Not Open'.
ReplyDelete