It's Spamalicious!


I got to thinkin' about that Spam last night, thanks to Cro's lovely account of their business practices. It made me wonder . . . just what does the word "Spam" mean, exactly? Without wishing to really know, I thought I'd make up a few guesses of my own.

1. Spackle Ham- Admit it, Spam would make a great spackling paste; it has the right color and consistency, and the smell would go away eventually.

2. Spines and Spigots Ham- Yeah, let's not talk about it.

3. Sponge Ham- I bet if you dry this stuff out it would make a great bath sponge. What do you think? I've finally outwitted Martha Stewart!

4. Spank Ham- Instead of threatening your kids with physical violence, you could just threaten them with a Spam dinner. One sight of that lovely tin can and they will transform into little angels.

5. Space Ham- It looks like it came from outer space, it tastes like it came from outer space . . .

6. Spa Ham- the least likely, I know, but if mashed up and applied to the skin, it could make a fabulous facial cream. Didn't Eskimos use to use whale fat for chap stick? See?? Tell your Avon representative to order you up a big old tin of Spam right now!

7. Special Ham- All the pigs in the farmyard know that only special porkers get into a tin of Spam. It's a lifelong dream and we Americans are glad to be a part such a big pig aspiration.

8. Speed Ham- Race car drivers know this stuff makes a great lubricant on their pistons. Ah hell, you all know I haven't a clue what I'm talkin' about. Why do you even come here?!

9. Speleological Ham- I'm really reachin', but maybe, just maybe fifty years or so ago, some cave explorer came across a big cave pig and after a huge struggle (like ten hours) he finally killed the bastard and had a fine feast and he, because he loved himself so much for being such a fine, smart and sexy dude, decided to name the pig species after himself: Stan Paul Jim Ham= Spam (the J is silent). They couldn't put his face on the tin because he died shortly after his discovery—something about a rare cave disease and too much love makin' with cave whores. Poor guy. Jim darlin', this here Spam is for you. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm.

Comments

  1. You really *have* been thinking about spam! :)

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  2. Easy - A guy called William Aldridge murdered his wife, then tinned her. She was called Pam. 'was pam'.

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  3. Ah spam! The weird thing is that this gross and disgusting food product costs a lot to buy. When I was a kid it was a poor man's food. Now it is something else. But I don't know what! Still, I remember my mom frying it in a pan with eggs, and it is pretty good like that only tastes really fatty. It is weird weird stuff.

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  4. Fried Spam with cinnamon. It's wonderful. Really! Okay. It's wonderful and weird.
    PS They have low sodium now, too.

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  5. You guys crack me up! Well, despite all the Spam love going around today, I was turned off the wonder product in my childhood. See, Mom decided to take us kids on a trip through the Ozarks, and she served Spam at every stop. Maybe it was motion sickness, I don't know, but a few days of Spam can make any person on this earth want to rip out their intestines and sell them to Aliens. Topping it all off, Mom mixed a packet of grape Kool-aid with mineral spring water and left the container in a hot trunk. Yummy. To this day, I blame Mom, Spam, grape Kool-aid and the Ozarks for my life's misfortune. But I would take a free t-shirt from all of these if offered.

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  6. Spam fritters.... These two words sit somewhere in the section of my mind marked 'Do Not Open'.

    ReplyDelete

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