Time for a workout

I think it's pretty much safe to assume that, in general, writers do not get enough exercise. We mean to, we're going to . . . after we finish this book, or this chapter, or after we get published and have enough money to hire an assistant who will type out our books for us while we shout out words while being bent backwards by Jennifer Aniston's personal trainer.

Someday.

Well, I have a solution. It's called Authorcise!© and here's how it works:

The daily act of typing away in an office chair puts a lot of pressure on the buttocks, as well as direct energy away from the upper arms and abdomen. Neglect for these areas, combined with the addition of a steady diet of coffee and sugary baked goods like donuts . . . donuts . . . mmmm . . . Oh! Sorry! Well, all of this combined makes for poor cultivation of muscle. What Authorcise! intends to do is bring more action to these areas whilst not forcing author to cut back on sweets or writing time. Here's how it really, really works:

Are you sitting comfortably in your chair? Document is open? Coffee? Donut? Good. Okay then, type a word and squeeze that butt. Type another word, squeeze. Excellent! The point is to squeeze with every hit of the space bar. Or you could go a more direct route and squeeze while typing actual words. For example, It was a dark and stormy night would be squeeze squeeze squeeze squeeze squeeze squeeze.

Now for the arms. After every sentence I want you to shoot your arms way up high! Yes, just like that! Doesn't that feel great?

Now it gets fun. Every time you type an adverb I want you to jump out of your chair and do a pushup. Let's see how that looks so far. It was a dark and stormy night. Squeeze those buns, shoot those arms out! The captain said, Raul, tell me another story. Doing great! Raul opened a bottle of overly priced wine and took a swig. Great squeezing on that one. But you forgot the pushup. Ooh, I bet that burns!

Well, those are the basics of Authorcise! The DVD comes complete with booklet and free coupon for liposuction. I just know you'll be pleased with the program, however, if not completely satisfied, send your DVD back (unopened) and I'll refund your money free of charge (after transaction clears in Iowa—it's a small bank. Marge gets kind of pissy some days and won't even pick up the phone when I ask her where the hell are all my transactions, but I wouldn't worry about that. Yeah, I mean, I try not to worry about it. Sometimes I can't sleep at night, and I get these weird pains in my chest, but, yeah, that's probably normal).

Authorcise! The smart way to a tight bod and book. Authorcise is not responsible for steaming hot cups of coffee knocked over during ridiculous exercises, or cats being traumatized by repeated sightings of owner's butt being flashed out of chair (they thought the chair was an extension of your body all these years). Thoughts of suicide are normal, as well as giddy arm flapping and shout outs to Katie Couric after whole day of pretending you're actually going to get published and have a great body. Do not use product while under the influence of Steven King. May cause gas, bloating, brain melting, sighting of aliens, change of eye color, hair loss, birds will gather in your front yard like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, your car won't start, Sarah Palin will become president and/or move in next door).

Try Authorcise! and be on your way to a better life Today.