Stress

Today starts NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. Are you participating? Is this what you need to kickstart a book idea that is always getting lost between all your other projects? I have to admit, NaNoWriMo always sounds like a great idea, but I can never seem to hang in there though it really is the best way to get a book done. As they say, you can't edit what isn't there. A finished book, though full of errors, is better than few perfect chapters. Maybe I will try it this year.

However, I need life to give me a break for a while. I'm so stressed out about Julia that I can barely think—or write—sometimes. Just when everything is going smooth I get an email (like today) asking if I can come to a new meeting. What now? How is Julia any different than she's ever been? It's the same thing every time, "Julia doesn't concentrate. Her handwriting needs work. She need to focus."  I know all this. I've listened to it for years now. Meeting after depressing meeting. Never what she does right, always what she does wrong. Last spring it was suggested I take her in for a new evaluation, so I did. I took her in and was told that I would get a call in a few months. Still haven't gotten that call. But they didn't forget to send an $80 dollar bill, even though I paid the co-pay at our visit.

Honestly, I'm ready to home school her if only to avoid all this grief. I'm so tired of hearing what she does wrong. I love Julia and see a beautiful, sweet, funny, compassionate and wise little girl. Do I have trouble taking her places? Yes. That awesome kid gets lost in a haze of sensory overload. I've always had to chase her, protect her, guide, corral. I used to get so mad because I couldn't take her places like other folks. Julia stops listening and drifts into the crowd wherever we go. It's very frustrating. She's memorizing things, filtering; her brain is clouded with her surroundings, people, life. Who do I have to call and say, "Let's set up a meeting?" No one. I just love her, and she and I do the best we can to make life normal and safe and happy.

There are times when I think, "I'm a horrible mom. I should be better about her homework, about making her read more, about her math, etc." Many times I've thought, well, any mom would be a better mom than me. I spent so much time trying to get this book published—time when I should have been concentrating on her. And yet, writing my book book was a great escape for me because before it all I ever did was think about Julia. It saved my sanity.

I'm sorry to make you my shoulder to cry on. There was one time, after a particular frustrating day, when I got in the car and drove and screamed my flipping head off. I yelled at God and life and everything for making Julia and I go through all of this. I've never had babysitters or friends. Sometimes I feel so alone with all of this. Sometimes I feel like I'm holding Julia and we're drifting on the ocean and we can't get to shore. But, dammit, I'm still going to try. I love her, and all these stupid meetings and the professionals and their angry eyes when they talk about how she doesn't hold her pencil like everyone else—for God's sake, a freaking pencil—well, I am just going to deal with it like I always have. No one is going to make me have any less love for my beautiful girl.

Oh, geez. Sorry about all this. Thanks for reading. Life. It's beautiful and yet it truly sucks sometimes.
Take care, friends. Peace.