Rothko suggested by Talli

This is going to be a tough topic for me. Let's start with yesterday, I showed you the beautiful painting by Jenkins. It was abstract, which means each individual will perceive it in their own separate way. Whether or not Jenkins had a certain theme in mind doesn't matter. Part of an artist's life is accepting the fact that once a work is sent out into the world, it is no longer theirs to control.

You cannot control the perceptions of other people.

Now comes the personal part. People perceive me as outgoing and put together. But inside I am still suffering the effects of a childhood where I had to hide everything. I used to hide my friends so my dad would not get mad at me for being outside talking. I used to suppress having to go to the bathroom because I was so afraid he'd come up from reading his bible in the basement and pull out that old leather belt that he used to spank us every day. It probably wasn't until third grade that I finally started to understand that the weird feeling inside my stomach was my body telling me I had to go to the bathroom. And all these years later, it is my emotions I am trying not to hide or suppress. But there is this little girl who is afraid of being called ugly or of being punished just for being alive. I'm actually shaking right now writing about it. I just remembered the time my friend gave me a birthday present and I told her I could not accept it. It was a flute. I still have trouble accepting gifts from people.

I tell you this because you see how on the outside someone can be perceived in one way, but behind the surface there is so much going on. This is why I try to be honest in everything I do, because when I send anything out there, I know it is your turn to perceive what I am, and I want you to be given the most honest product. It is the moment before release that I panic, but once it is out there I feel a sense of happiness that finally, it is free. But I could still be more honest. Here's to trying (raising a glass of Merlot).

Once a writer sends a book out into the world, it will be perceived in a million ways, no matter how straightforward it was written. You have to let it go. Embrace that it will be seen in different ways; embrace letting go.

No matter what your intentions were during writing, or how much you tried to get your point across, or how much you want people to love it, realize that all of that is out of your control. Just write or paint or live the best you can and then release. When you send something out into the world in a positive way, it will come back to you a million times with a million more ripples of the pure intent you put into it. You will receive. This is my mantra today.

I write these things for myself mostly, and I hope I can live by my words. You know, it's funny, I have tried so hard to keep my personal life out of the blog, but the more I tried, the more it seeped in here. These last few months of my life have been, for lack of a better word, hell. I figured all of my friends here would have abandoned me by now, but you guys have always responded in amazing ways. So ironic. And so wonderful.

Thank you for the gift of loving perception. Peace.


  1. Amy, tears came to my eyes while I was reading this. You must be a very beautiful person both inside and out to be able to share yourself like this. I should be thanking you!

    (And yay for Rothko! You should check out his Four Seasons paintings. They're hanging now in the Tate Modern in London and are so, so beautiful.)

  2. Ooh, if I had the cash I'd sooo go to London right now. Maybe someday . . .

    And thank you Talli. I cannot express how wonderful you guys are to me.

  3. Thank you for sharing such a tender and personal concept here. it is beautifully done. and, just two nights ago, I was talking to my sweetie about this same thing.... how we all are broken in some way from some cause and how our challenge in life is to learn that we are enough (if that makes any sense).

  4. Thank you Tess. I think you're right—we all have something that is a driving force in our life. As writers, we learn how to weave it into our craft in a tangible way. I feel so lucky to have great friends and also to have an outlet.

  5. Amy, this is just terrible. No-one should feel this way. I suppose I've had something of a charmed existance, and I'm almost feeling guilty. Luckily I happen to own a fabulous magic wand, and I'm going to cast a happy spell on you. From tomorrow morning you will feel much better. If not let me know and I'll burn the bloody thing!

    Grosses bises, Cro.

  6. Haha, I usually am a happy person and try to be positive. Lately it's as is life won't allow it. So I am going to take your offer and greadily grab up all that luck.

  7. I’m sorry to hear thing are so awful lately. I’ll send happy thoughts your way.

  8. This was so heart felt and I loved reading this. I can't relate to having a dad that scares you or has wronged you, however I had a struggle as a child when my grandfather molested me. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and to this day I may seem cheery and wonderful on the outside but that doesn't mean at times on the inside that I'm not guarded, watchful, and untrustworthy.

    I think as writers it gives us an upperhand, makes us stronger, ready to handle the world and all it's possible negative energy, waiting on the positive piece!

    We will always be here to back you up, even if you share personal struggles, I think that at this point you will have more supportive people pushing you and helping you along the right path! Just know that I consider you a friend!

  9. You are so honest and brave for putting your story out there. That's just heart-wrenching what you had to go through. I'm sorry you experienced that.

    It takes a lot a balls to put it out there like you did, so kudos to you. If you choose to share more, chances are, it won't be so hard ;o) It does get easier.

    I think as writers we all have probably had some trauma in our lives. I'm going out on a limb here, but we're writing about life, maybe a life we wanted, or one that we can relate to? I had a not so great childhood myself, but I'm sure most people would guess different. We are good at hiding our past aren't we?

    Love the painting! I agree with Jen, we'll always be here for ya. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

  10. Thank you Southpaw. You're very sweet.

    And Thank you Jen, for your comforting words and for spilling your childhood secret. You know, I had a feeling there was something going on, but then you never can tell. I'm so very sorry that happened to you : ( My heart goes out to you and I'm so happy you are my friend.

    Erica, thank you as well for your beautiful words. I am so proud to know you and everyone here. Really. It's been such a wonderful blessing to me and even though we all have our own lives, I'm glad we get to share our joys and our sorrows here the way we do.

  11. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, my philosophy remains the same, anything trial that is given to you only makes you stronger. Strenght comes in all forms and I believe my strength comes from the heart, though I am emotional and can be easily broken and hurt by people I still stay true to myself and with that I have done wonderful things.

    My husband is wonderful and would never hurt me, I have a wonderful and close knit family, and though at times not everyone can be trusted I believe you build your own trust circle (family) throughout life.

    You're in my circle :) I'm glad my words could help, and spilling my childhood secret has become easier as each year passes, I learn something new, and I've been able to help several who've really needed it. I'm here if you ever need to talk!

  12. The only words that come to mind are "thank you." Thank you for sharing the experiences that have molded you into the extraordinary person you have become.

  13. Amy - there is this thing called 'unconditional love' which I have tried to base my emotional life on, ever since I got too old to just go out and grab a young woman. Actually before that, because I used to freak out young women who I had picked up that night in the pub for sex, then display unconditional love, which is a bit hard to handle if you thought you had signed up for a one night stand.

    Rothko died a death by 'one thousand cuts' - a form of self-harm taken to the absolute extreme.

    I have physically attacked a couple of people who have threatened harm to themselves in my presence, once that (a few days later) they said that they were only joking, but I never ignore people who say they are unhappy, for whatever reason.

    I identify with you, and thereby I love you as another human being, even though I have no real reason to know that you really exist in the form you present yourself. This is 'unconditional love'.

    You are not Rothko - at least you are not the Rothko that needs to do what he did. Take what is good, and reject what is bad. You owe it to your 5 year old daughter. XXX

  14. Amy, you are a brave soul to have shared your personal experiences like this. But the very fact that you did only proves what a beautiful and wonderful person you have become, in spite of such experiences. :)

  15. P.S. - they were men who I grabbed hold of, who had threatened self-harm, not women! Honest! (I suddenly had a little panic attack, in case you got the wrong idea...)

  16. Jen, I feel we are like sisters in so many ways.

    Shannon- thank you so very much. Your words mean a lot to me : )

    Tom, I wish I could talk freely. At this point I am trying to make an income so I can have some freedom. Maybe Starbucks nights and weekends, it would be good for me to get out anyway. I am thinking of many things, and all positive. I keep erasing all the really deep things I want to say to you. Dammitt! This is hard and I did not want to make such a scene here : (. It came to a point where I could not continue to write unless I unloaded all of this off my chest. Julia needs out of the bath so I'll end this long note. I still stand by my words from last week.

  17. I feel like I should explain what I meant by freedom. I have a lot of it, but at the same time I feel as if I am walking around with an anvil on my back. There are certain issues which have made me feel trapped. And that is all I am going to say about this for awhile.

  18. Thank you for sharing this. You have gripped me with your words. Thank you for the inspiration to move on and to be happy with what I do.
    Thank you and take care.

  19. Christine, you are so wonderful for saying that. I truly want to thank you!


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