Two Words

I used to write a lot of stories for my blog, but after finding out that doing so rendered them published, I made the decision to stop. It was great receiving comments, but later on it made me sad to think I could never see them professionally published. So that fun is over. However . . . one day my book will come out and that will be GREAT. A stranger picking it up off the shelf would never know all the work, all the fear, all the time I came here to practice my writing skills, to gain support, to ease doubts, to learn new writing tips, and so on. They would never know. But that's the point. All a reader needs to know is whether the book they picked up is going to satisfy their brain craving. But I want you guys to know how much I appreciate your friendship. Thank you for being here in my lows and highs and in betweens. Cheers to you!

Situation Break-Down

Despite what I wrote yesterday, the truth is that it's hard to get back into writing after being off for a certain amount of time. I find myself fumbling with words and unable to trust my ability. It was so easy before, but I lost my confidence and now I have to find ways to get back into the flow. The best thing a writer can do is just write and think later. My problem is that I am thinking too much. Today's the day.

One thing that I've thought about quite a bit is how, in order to write fiction, we must allow our characters to rule our thoughts. I know that sounds crazy, and it is. But that's what works for me. I write best when my real world—including ME—is second to the fictional ticker tape in my head. Everything I eat, think, do, is enhanced by what my characters will do and say next. It's a fun life, really. When life is hectic and we are jerked out of this lovely thought mode, it feels awkward. Some folks save it all for the time they are sitting in front of their computers, but I like to let it roll all day and night. We're all different.

One thing though, the times when I was struggling in front of the computer, and the times I was rolling free, I couldn't see it in the work. It all looked the same. So moral of the story: you are who you are as a writer, situation good or bad. There's something comforting about that.

Get Unstuck

I've figured something out about writing, or non-writing, rather. If you've ever had writer's block due to stress, change of routine, then I have a few suggestions to get you back in the groove again. First of all, try not to panic. You've written before and it will happen again. I think the best tip to getting back into your work is to go over your old work. Edit the chapters leading into your new section. Believe me, even areas you thought were finished will yield some edit-worthy mistakes. And it will help set your mind to writing mode again.

Other suggestions are to listen to music related to certain projects—create a playlist. Take walks. Drink tons of water. Do a lot of water based chores like washing dishes, laundry, watering the plants. Of course, a good shower is the best thing ever for writer's block. It makes the ideas flow! I can't tell you how many times I've had story ideas, dialogue, plot fixes . . . while shampooing my hair. It's awesome, if not a bit inconvenient.

Also, don't pander to yourself about writer's block. If you can't write on a manuscript then write a blog, or a journal, or something, anything. It doesn't matter what you write, just write.

Sometimes I think we are afraid we can't match our former brilliance, that the magic has passed on to some other person. We will and it hasn't. Just keep repeating that to yourself. We will and it hasn't.

Food, food, food

Having kids means having neighbor kids too. It's not a bad thing, my neighbor kids are cute and funny, but they're eating me out of house and home. First it started with wanting a cookie, or may I have some juice? And now they march right in the door and rip open my fridge. I say, "No, no no. Kitchen is closed." "But I'm hungry." I look at the clock. It's 6:00 pm and I know they've had dinner. "Sorry, but I think you ate already." "Nope, I didn't eat. I want some spaghetti." At first I was lavishing them with all the food they say they have to have. I don't like denying kids when they say they're hungry. But then, after one particular visit where both my kids' dinners were devoured, and then the eating fest kept going and going I finally said, "I think that's enough. Kitchen is closed. If you want food from now on you have to ask." Come to find out, they had been eating before coming over, so it wasn't an issue of being hungry. Has anyone else ever had this problem?

I guess there must be some emotional issue with food. I'm just going to have to be firm and do what my mom used to do . . . buy crappy generic products, all high-fiber and no sugar stuff. That'll fix the problem.

Today

Today was already better than yesterday. I still missed the kids in the afternoon, but I tried to keep myself busy with taking Henry for a walk, reading some blogs, writing a journal, cleaning, going to the store. It did help. And now those kids are home already and the house is filled with the sound of cartoons and snacks. Henry seems happy too. He snuggled right up to Julia when she sat on the couch with her cookie. Not sure if the snuggling was to catch any falling crumbs or if he just missed her being gone all day.

Moving on, you ever notice how things are better when you're dreaming? And that being a writer is much better than anything else in this world because you get to dream? Reality has always been a harsh, cold place as the world is so judgmental. My writing is usually full of love and hope; my dreams are grand. It heals. It replaces despair. Characters are like children, they depend on bring us joy with their lives and actions. And words. Words are like pebbles sifting and falling, and we must rearrange them in beautiful ways.

Empty. Quiet. Too Quiet.

Both of the kids are in school today and I miss them. As the week goes by I'll learn to get over it, but right now all I can do is think of all the beautiful moments of them being here in the afternoon; making lunch, playing, reading, going to the park. Even if I've been annoyed and busy with housework, it was still beautiful. And, I know, I know, they'll be home in a few hours and it will seem as if no time passed, but for now it's an ache. Also with Julia in school all day for the first time, I feel a sort loss of duty if you will. For so many years I've been her cheerleader, her protector. Now I'm just a regular human again. It's been such a struggle, and such a joy. You know, when her sensory disorder became evident back when she was around two years old, I fought like crazy for her. My life has been defined by her. She's a funny, spirited child. And smart, and loving. She can create a whole universe out of a blanket and some pillows. She laughs freely and runs so fast she's almost flying. She loves to eat and loves to be my little cook. But, man . . . is she messy.

This summer was kinda tough when it came to blogging. Here's to hoping I can use this free time effectively: visiting and commenting! But more important I hope to finish old projects. I also hope to finish some reading. I'm way behind on that.

Take care everyone.

Two more

Here are two more. This guy is such a great photographer. He's been working on these to give them all those nice little effects and tone correction ( I don't know what you call it, but he has gone beyond all my expectations). It goes without saying how glad I am that I found him.

I look a little like Melissa Etheridge here, which is cool.

And this one just looks like me.

And that's it. Time to focus on getting the cd out and moving away from this photo stuff which was good, wonderful, scary and too much for me to handle at times. Also time to focus on writing. A few months ago I sent out a ton of short stories, and hopefully I won't get all rejections. If things go right, a few could get published in journals late fall or into winter. Fingers crossed. It's funny, after I felt the relief of signing a publishing contract, my mind moved on to the next impossible challenge of lit journal acceptance. After that, I think the next goal would be to get something published in The New Yorker. Bob Dylan once sang, "When I write my masterpiece," well, I wonder if anyone should really write their masterpiece until the last grain of sand is about to tumble down the hourglass. But then, I think many people write or paint or sculpt theirs somewhere in the middle and don't even know it. Probably best not to think about it.

A pic and a cough

Okay, well out of three that I've seen this one is my favorite. Too bad I didn't get a tan this summer! We went to the pool quite a bit early on, but then it got so hot we ended up inside most days and all that nice color just faded like it was the middle of winter.

Anyway . . . I am sick. This has been a busy, stressful week. What I didn't tell you was that I had to take care of my niece and nephew for three days, plus my own kiddos. On Tuesday I had the photo shoot, a radio spot with my dear friend Marshall—and then my friend who runs website for the show Big Brother who asked me to write a blog once or twice a week needed an extra piece and I had to rush one out! Good problems to have, really. Wednesday night it was school open house. Thursday I took the kids to the fair. Then I came down with a huge cold. I guess it's true that our bodies can only take so much. Last night I lay down in bed and watched old movies on TCM with the kids. I really liked the first movie Midnight with Claudette Colbert, Don Ameche and John Barrymore (whom I found extremely attractive in this role, even though it was rumored he was drunk the whole time and had to read cue-cards). Liam kept trying to kiss Claudette and then the scene would change and he'd end up kissing Don Ameche. We had a good laugh about that. He said he thought Claudette was beautiful, and she was. One of my favorite movies is It Happened One Night starring her and Clark Gable. Great movie.

Then Julia thought it would be great to put makeup on me while I lay there in bed, and I ended up with lipstick and powder all over my face. Kind of sweet, I know. Being sick ain't fun, but my kids make it enjoyable. That is . . . until I saw what they had done to the house. On their little trips out of the room, Julia had made cherry sugar candy using a pile of white sugar and cherry syrup, and chocolate gooey cake (again lots of sugar). Liam had gotten out every toy he owned, and there was a trail of stuff everywhere. Not kidding. So, this morning I had to drag my butt out of bed to clean it all. But I'm not complaining! I love these kids so much. Seeing Liam kiss Claudette Colbert was so cute. I'd clean the house a million times for moments like that.

So that's the status report. Oh, and school starts this week so I'll have some free time again to visit blogs and write blogs and just . . . write. That's amazing.

The Shoot

Well, I did the photo shoot. The studio was located in the River Market area in Kansas City, upstairs from Harry's Country Club—a nice little bar/pub at the end of a city street. A group of folks were outside talking and when they saw me walk up with my folksy dress and belt and guitar, they said, "Hey, are you the entertainment?" "No," I answered back. "Aw, well you could be. Go on in there and take the stage." "Uh, thanks, but no, I have a photo shoot." They were really starting to pressure me, those folks!

The photographer's name is Corky, and he came out of the bar just in time to save me from the crowd. We went upstairs and spent the next hour and a half taking shots near brick walks and windows; with chairs and tables as props. I had three dress changes and tons of different poses. He probably took several hundred shots, which he'll put on a disc for me to sort through later on. I think he tries to do a lot of tone corrections, sizing, etc. He was really nice about the whole thing, and kept up a string of pose ideas instead of asking me to make up things on spot. That was good for me, and kept things at a nice, calm level.

He wrote an email saying he was in the bar later after the shoot, and wouldn't you know he ran into a local music blogger who writes about up and coming acts as well as all the big touring acts that come into town? Corky is going to send me the information later so I can send out a cd package/press release. That's great news. I can't believe the timing! Karmic, I tell you.

So that's it. I have seen one picture and it's very nice, and though I will never like looking at my face, I can appreciate the great quality, and posing, lighting, etc. He did a great job. I'll let you see it and more when they are available. Thank you for the good thoughts, everyone. I truly appreciate being surrounded by wonderful people such as you!

BBC reflections

I used to watch a lot of BBC America, and I loved a couple of shows they ran. One was called Changing Rooms I think, the other had a similar concept but it was for gardens. It featured a straight laced announcer kind of guy, a big handy man (Andy? I think) and a beautiful redhead Charlie. She never wore a bra, I can remember that much. Those three would get together and transform a garden into a mini outdoor spa. Oh, the kicker was they only had two days to get it done. That was a great show.

Now BBCA just shows Star Trek of all things, and Top Gear. What do you guys think? What are your favorite BBC shows? Tell me what's new and what I can expect to show here in a few months.

Deep thoughts . . .

The session is set for Tuesday night. I'm going to wear two different outfits, one a dress that I made a long time ago. It's a black floral mid-length that I made to mimic a sixties dress I once saw in a Bob Dylan movie. Never thought it would come in handy. It was just the pretty dress that sat in my closet forever. I'm going to wear a big tan belt, and brown boots which I think look nice in contrast to the floral print. The other outfit is an all brown two-piece skirt, sounds unsexy, but it's pretty cute, haha. Now what to do with my hair . . .

Thank you for all your encouraging words yesterday. This has truly been hard for me and I appreciate the support. Having to expose myself in this type of media makes me so insecure. It's become apparent to me how I really do have depression, and writing is my cure. Music is my soul, but writing is my cure to take me away from myself, because it's a torrid, awful place in my head sometimes. The night before Amy Winehouse died, I was sitting on the back porch steps thinking about how hard it is to live at times. When I heard the news of her passing the next day, a Saturday, I felt it was almost a wakeup call for me to face this issue. I was clearly meant to sing and write and play music, but the presentation of it is so very painful when you don't have the ability to love yourself in a physical way. I do believe this is why Amy Winehouse had her problems, and poor thing, she lost the battle. This fills me with sadness. Although I do discredit her for lauding the fact that she would never go to rehab. It was a very unhealthy attitude, a self-depreciating attitude. A better anthem would have been, If I have to go, I'll come out shining. Not as catchy, I know.

A while back I posted a story about the little girl who could sing like an angel, and a vocal chord expert said it was her brain coordinating the extraordinary talent. Well, I do believe our brains have the power to rise above our fears, our weaknesses, our addictions. Easy to forget when the world is such a harsh place to live sometimes, but that's why we must learn, each of us, to stand back and think for ourselves; create a reserve of strength to draw on in the toughest moments. And dammit, sometimes you just have to be an actor or actress and say, "I am not this situation. I'm still me, now and later and forever. But I am not THIS."

And that's the end of deep thoughts . . . by Amy. Have great Saturday.

Life for life's crazy sake

Life is a little confusing right now, but I'm sure I'll look back on it later with a sick sort of longing. Meadowland is done, I've almost completed all the graphics for the packaging, the only thing left is to have a few pictures taken and to send the whole thing off to a cd duplication company. For the moment, this looks to be the front cover (you've seen it before in a slightly different form):

I'm really, horribly nervous about the photo shoot. More than I should be. But this is one reason why Meadowland hasn't seen the light of day until now. Me and pictures: terror. Pure terror. I've had the photographer's information for a few weeks, and couldn't get the nerve to set up a session. Well, first there was no money, but now there is, and finally last night I sent an email to say I was ready, but dear God why is it so hard for me to do these things? Regardless, I have to do it. You know, I read that Dusty Springfield and Carly Simon had/have similar stage fright issues, so I don't feel so alone. But still, it's crazy and I wish I had confidence like other people.